[Article has some content from Vedic Philosophy my own life experience]
Disclaimer: This article is intended to share my knowledge, not to provide any professional guidance to deal with narcissistic abuse. If you are dealing with any form of narcissist abuse, please find a close person you can talk to openly and immediately go to a practitioner/consultant who can solve the issue, so you don’t build trauma and face the consequences of it!
So let’s begin,
If you google immediately report shows that 5% of the population have NPD (Narcissist Personality Disorder). It’s extremely painful to live with people with such traits.
Finally, I am writing on this topic. I had to pull a lot of courage to not be judged! I am here! It has a beautiful side to it. Please follow through with the full article so you know what I am trying to explain here!
Important: Don’t label a person with one or two matching traits to be narcissistic! Sometimes people can be just jerks and do annoying things.
Section One: Short flashback first:
I must have been 5 or 6 years old; I was on a field visit with my grandfather. He pointed to the Pomegranate tree which we had in our field. He murmured, This Loranthus, differently pronounced in the local language (a parasitic plant), will kill this tree. I said it was so beautiful (I didn’t know back then what it was). He explained, “look child everything that looks beautiful may not be the same from the inside!” It didn’t make sense until I first encounter the narcissist. (My story at the end)
Wisdom From the Vedic books:
Guna (Meant for Qualities), Vedic has three distinct levels:
Sattvic Guna: (Mode of Goodness, and maintenance)
Rajah Guna: (Mode of Passion, Creation, and balance)
Tamas Guna: (Mode of Ignorance, and destruction)
During, my research in Vedic philosophy I came across that childhood relates to tamas Guna, adulthood relates to rajah guna and old age to sattvic guna. There is a detailed explanation of these things, so feel free to dive into Vedic wisdom anytime. In modern days people relate narcissism with emotional immaturity, which can sometimes be true. So, I connected both here.
Why I am sharing this is Tamas Guna is correlated to Narcissism and Sattvic Guna is a relative of Empathy in its best form. Narcissism is not bad unless it turns out to come in the form of abuse.
Before beginning it’s important to understand how I will be using terms here:
Abuse: In most simple form, anything done to harm a conscious being is abuse!
Narcissism: In most simple words a feeling of gathering excessive interest in or admiration of oneself from everyone.
Empathy: Feeling someone else emotions as their own is empathy.
Detail on Narcissistic people
Many will just randomly, point out he/she is a narcissist. Please don’t direct it randomly, A narcissistic abuser will never try to leave room for error. They are the best liars, manipulators, and cheaters. They study other people’s emotions and take that to their advantage. Once you know you found out about them, they will immediately, either regain your trust or detach completely so you can’t find anything more about them! It doesn’t end here; either they will try to destroy you in all ways, or they search next person which will act as a new host to fulfill their deepest desires.
How do people become a narcissistic abusers?
A parent belittling their children by comparing their child with other children, emotionally being not available due to divorce or abandonment, and setting high standards or ambition, can create narcissistic abusers from early childhood.
In later life, peer pressure, not meeting career goals, extreme insecurities, etc. can create such abusers.
The primary reason narcissistic abusers are created is that they are left alone, and they don’t like the idea of being alone but can’t deliver by themselves and want others to fulfill for themselves.
Real Nature of Narcissistic people?
Empathic people are easy bait to narcissistic people as they quickly put their hands forward for help. Narcissistic people don’t hunt for empathetic people although. Sometimes two narcissistic people will be fighting against each other. They hunt for people to fulfill their deepest desires in a non-mutual way. They can wait for a chance to replace/consume the host so that they get what they desire.
One of the key distinctions between narcissistic and non-narcissistic is their actions. A narcissistic person will use manipulation to work towards their desires. When you are in trouble, they will not try to put an action forward.
A narcissistic person will only help if they are going to get their deepest desires fulfilled from you. A narcissistic person will never go out of their comfort zone to help you.
Insecurities and Jealousy are prime traits of narcissism, but they do not demonstrate it openly. You will have to find out from their actions.
A narcissistic person might use some other person as a manipulator to harm their end target, as those directly involved have a high risk of exposing them.
A narcissistic person will fake most things to show that they are better than you, but when it comes to taking responsibility, they run away.
How narcissistic person enter your life?
A narcissistic person works in steps:
a) The first part of the game is to gain your trust from you without any expense! Building anything takes time, compromise, sacrifice, etc. Narcissistic people will project things to match your similarities with words and no tangible evidence or hard work.
b) Once they gain trust, they will start to emotionally manipulate you to believe in their fake world. They want everything in their control. If something feels out of control, they start reframing situations, can give the silent treatment, corner you with people close to you, belittle others, etc. so that you are always on their radar and do what they want you to do.
c) Till you serve the narcissist, and they are getting what they want, they will not reflect any harmful behaviours. But once, you stop serving them they go against you on all levels.
d) Finally, they take what they can from you at the highest levels. If they get everything out of you they will make sure you don't get the the taken things back. It can be status, finance or ownership.
e) If you finally can escape the narcissist, congratulations. They might have already searched new host, to begin with. They generally don’t want to remember to entertain their past host. So, you are safe.
How to deal with narcissism?
If you are in an earlier stage with a narcissist, it’s easy to be direct, and upfront, and tell them that you can’t follow their path. You will have to hold your ground and strongly say no to things that you feel will lead to believing narcissists. This will save you from entry into the fake realm of the narcissist.
If you are already dealing with a narcissist best way to deal with narcissism is a soft approach. Just try to distance them and must remove associations in all forms with such people.
If your very close people are narcissists and you are being abused, talk to someone you feel comfortable with.
If you are dealing with a narcissist in an office, start documenting things. Narcissists will avoid documenting things as they will be afraid of being exposed.
How to never be narcissistic?
You need to believe in yourself. Do the hard work necessary. Success takes time, so have a lot of patience and never go for something unachievable. Learn to admire others’ success and be happy with what you receive in life.
Just to be clear:
Importantly, Anger is not a form of abuse it’s a reflection of emotions. So never put that if someone is angry towards you is abuse. People who care deeply tend to get angry often.
Narcissists will get angry when you go against them when you do not do what they want you to do.
People who truly care will give facts and reasoning for their anger expression whereas narcissists will belittle you.
A side story but my story:
I was around 7 years old, and for better education, my parents would send me to the private school hostel in the capital city. My father worked as a Salesman in a different city and my mother was in the village taking care of my grandparents. Time of landlines, where I got calls maybe in ¾ months and they would physically receive me in two major timings of the Grand Festival of Dashain (Which comes around September) and Winter Holidays (December/January). I solely had to depend on my friends around me to pass time.
I had my first encounter with a narcissistic friend (name not to be disclosed for identity). He would first go to becoming best friends with me, breaking my prior ties with my earlier best friend (she was female). He went on highlighting how she was bad for around 3 months whereas, in the end, I too believed he was right. On the way to detaching me completely from her, he would convince me to write a letter to the next girl in class affirming love and give that letter to my earlier best friend.
She immediately passes that letter to the hostel warden. He would take an assessment of everything, and I tell a fake story to save my narcissistic friend. Immediately after my call, he was called, and I till day don’t know what he said exactly. I was portrayed as a liar.
He would take all my positions, being hostel captain, class captain, and more, and giving to that same friend. I was not allowed to do anything without the warden’s permission. I wanted to expose him somewhere, but I couldn’t do it as I was questioning my reality.
I immediately went silenced. This silence went on for more than a year and it was painful, and I wanted to talk to somebody who would listen to me without any judgments. Few teachers and friends noticed the change and asked about me, but I could never openly tell my problems and responded by saying everything is okay. As a child of 8 years old and afraid of being judged I couldn’t build the courage to tell anything.
Abuse would continue, some major one
1) I had my things stolen. My so-called friend would distribute it to other people. I wanted to complain but again thinking who would believe a liar silenced me?
2) I would have been tried to bring down by silent bullying, my food stolen and eaten, create trash nearby the bed, and cabin so that I would continuously get scolded by the warden.
3) I had an accident, a major one, where I collapsed my head to the cemented floor, the same friend would plan with the next older senior boy who would take part in the abuse. I would again hide the truth by telling the warden I only slipped.
4) I would try to escape the hostel by running away and getting caught as this was part of the plan already. Whatever I did, my hostel warden had reason to scold me and label me as a difficult child.
5) Once, while playing I was thirsty, and my so-called friend would lead me to the storeroom where I was about to drink acid if the next friend hadn’t saved me.
And numerous more sufferings…
I was out of there later when I push my parent and changed school, although I didn’t share any problems. I would later read books, and journals (much late, when I got access to the Internet) and could get an understandable picture of everything.
I have not shared this story to get some sympathy. This can be one of my childhood traumas, but I am already over it. I have a message here. I would request every parent to ask their child what they are going through in detail.
1) You should guide your child so that they don’t become the narcissist
2) Your child is not being abused by any narcissist